President Replaces National Bird With Pigeon

WASHINGTON — In a surprise Oval Office ceremony this morning, the president officially retired the bald eagle, calling it “a symbol of outdated exceptionalism,” and named the pigeon as the new national bird of the United States.

“The pigeon has grit,” the president said. “It survives on crumbs, it thrives in chaos, and it never leaves the city. That’s America now.”

Critics have accused the administration of rebranding decline as resilience. Supporters, meanwhile, are already selling limited-edition commemorative feed bags online.

According to early reports, the Department of the Interior is planning to retrofit existing eagle statues with interchangeable pigeon heads to save costs. An official noted the change will be complete “by the next news cycle.”

From The Biscuit.