President Vows to Cut Red Tape by Re-Legalizing Duels

Citing "bureaucratic suffocation" and the need to "restore personal accountability to the marketplace," the president announced Tuesday that dueling — banned since the 19th century — would be re-permitted as a mechanism for resolving commercial disputes.

"The lawyers have had their time," the president told reporters from behind the mahogany desk he recently won in a duel. "It is time for the market to settle its own scores. Literally."

A proposed regulatory framework would allow disputes under $50,000 to be resolved at dawn, disputes between $50,000 and $500,000 at midday, and anything above that "whenever the parties feel ready." Critics noted that this would systematically advantage people with better aim, to which the administration responded: "Correct."