PIDG Officials Calmly Explain They Sold Early to Avoid What Happened to You

In a press conference described by attendees as "eerily composed," senior PIDG officials addressed the recent market collapse by noting, with visible restraint, that they had of course liquidated their positions some weeks prior. "We saw it coming," said Director of Market Stability Gerald Hume, adjusting his cufflinks. "We always see it coming. That's rather the point of being us."

Officials declined to specify how far in advance they had sold, citing ongoing regulatory review of the regulatory body that reviews them. Citizens who had not sold early were encouraged to consider the experience "educational." A pamphlet distributed at the press conference was titled What You Could Have Done Differently (You Won't, Though) and featured a diagram of a market cycle with one section highlighted in red labeled "This Part Was Avoidable."

Market analysts noted that PIDG officials emerged from the collapse with, on average, 340% greater holdings than they entered it with. Officials called this "a coincidence of preparation."