Change Has Come At Last! Mason Jar Distribution Starts Citywide

Residents across the city lined up Monday morning to collect their first payouts under the long-awaited Pilot Universal Basic Income program: dozens upon dozens of mason jars packed with quarters.

The distribution marks the end of years of bitter debate. “Loose change is the perfect middle ground,” said Deputy Finance Director Carl Unger, shouting over the rumble of a forklift unloading pallets of jars. “It’s tangible, it’s wholesome, and no one can accuse you of being idle when you’re spending your afternoon wheeling 600 pounds of quarters across town.”

Pickup sites quickly filled with the sound of clinking glass and the sight of residents discovering new definitions of “meaningful work.” At one library, volunteers formed human chains to pass jars down the steps, pausing only to reapply wrist braces. At another, staff encouraged families to treat jar-hauling as “a bonding activity,” comparing it favorably to CrossFit.

Still, the mood was jubilant. “It feels good to finally earn something again,” said Marcus Allen, pushing two shopping carts lashed together with bungee cords, each stacked to eye level with jars. “By the time I get these up three flights of stairs, I’ll have learned the value of every single quarter. You can’t get that from a direct deposit.”

Officials assured the public that future phases of the program may expand distribution to half-gallon jars or even five-gallon buckets, depending on feedback. “This is about dignity,” Unger said. “What could be more dignified than holding your net worth in 167 separate containers of American coinage?”

From The Biscuit.