Residents Step Up as Flood Aid Delayed by Pigeon Feud

Emergency relief for last week’s flooding remains stalled due to the ongoing pigeon feud between Governor Halstead and the president, officials confirmed Monday. At issue is Halstead’s refusal to recognize the pigeon as a “symbol of national resilience,” a designation the president insists would “modernize patriotism for a new century.”

The disagreement has brought federal disaster assistance to a halt. “No funds will move until the pigeon matter is settled,” a White House spokesperson said, while Halstead countered that “real Americans still salute the eagle, not a sidewalk scavenger.”

Meanwhile, residents have patched levees with sandbags borrowed from playgrounds and ferried groceries in inflatable pools. Yet the debate rages on. The governor staged a press conference surrounded by taxidermied eagles, declaring, “The pigeon is a rat with wings.” Within the hour, the president tweeted a photograph of himself feeding pigeons in Lafayette Square with the caption, “America’s bird of the people.”

As homes remain waterlogged, locals have been praised for “civic creativity,” fashioning rescue rafts from trash can lids. “We may not have aid,” one volunteer said, “but at least we know where our leaders stand on birds.”

From The Biscuit.